Journey to Our Miracle: Behind the Name

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Journey to Our Miracle: Behind the Name

Behind the name.

In June our life is going to be hectic! We will be introducing our Zoe (who will be 18 months) to her baby sister, Ellie Rose MacDaniels. There is a tinge of sadness with calling the new baby Ellie Rose but so much thankfulness as well. Ellie Rose was the name we had chosen for a girl when we were pregnant during the summer of 2012---the pregnancy before Zoe.

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Number five: The Certain One

2012 was a really tough year for us and we felt defeated by the end of it. The year started out amazingly with a positive pregnancy test for the baby we were sure was our take home baby! It was our 5th time to be pregnant but this time was different. We had finally figured out what was causing the miscarriages. About six weeks into my fourth pregnancy I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome, a clotting disorder that requires anticoagulant injections during pregnancy to keep your body from "clotting off the baby." Sadly, we lost that baby two weeks after beginning injections, but I was sure it was because we had started the injections too late and that the next time I got pregnant, I would be a huge and uncomfortable pregnant lady. I was so confident that we did something we hadn't done in a long time-- we took a break and planned to try again in 6 months once I was settled into my new job.

As soon as I got the positive test, I started the injections, changed my immunosuppressant drugs to keep from harming the baby, and was seen immediately by my OB who found my progesterone levels to be low and started me on supplementation. We were all optimistic.  

The day of my mom's surprise 50th birthday party (that was being held at my house), we were shocked to discover on ultrasound that the baby's heart had stopped beating and we had a D&C on February 28, 2012 (my aunt's birthday).  

We decided it was time to do genetic studies on the "remains of conception." On April 2, 2012, we got the results from the genetic studies back: a baby girl with trisomy13. The next step was to test Adam and I to see if it was random or one of us had a genetic disorder.

We had blood work done on Friday, April 13th to see if one of us had a risk factor for having a baby with trisomy 13. No kidding---this was the date: Friday the 13th. April 18th, we celebrated 4 years of marriage. April 29, we go the results from the genetic studies back---I had Robertsonian translocation 13;14. I was advised that due to the number of issues discovered, we would continue to have losses and we should pursue another avenue of having a baby. I was devastated! No more trying. It was over.

to be continued...
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Journey to Our Miracle: Brief How it Felt

Adam and I have slowly been writing down the story of the miscarriages and our journey to having a baby, and it's very evident God's hand was in all of it. The times that we had given up and were completely done because it was too hard, something or someone was placed in our lives to encourage us forward. Of course when we were in the middle of it all, we couldn't see any of this. All we could see was "it's too hard and unfair and why is this happening." I began to dread holidays and birthdays because it seemed like each one was a marker for another loss. I even started rescheduling ultrasounds if they were near a holiday or family or friends birthday because I was positive there was going to be something wrong. Going to doctors appointments became an ordeal. I felt like I was going to throw up and would cry the whole way there because I thought "we're going to be saying goodbye, there's not going to be a heartbeat." And of course it seemed everyone was pregnant and that there were babies everywhere we turned. If we found out a friend was pregnant the same time we were, we would hide our pregnancy because we didn't want to dampen their joy if we lost our baby, and we were just plain scared. It was so hard at times that I unfollowed some people on Facebook because I had lost my baby and they were still pregnant and seeing the updates was just too hard. Going through this makes you aware of things you never would have thought of. I try to be careful about talking about my happiness of my pregnancy when I'm waiting to be called back to see the OB because I remember the time when I had lost my baby and was waiting for a confirmation ultrasound and there was a couple beside me that was finding out if they were having a girl or boy and they were so happy and I could barely keep the tears from falling because my baby had died and I wondered if I would ever have the joy and excitement of finding out if I was having a boy or girl. To be continued because I'm crying too much and need to hug my Zoe girl.

from an old blog that i don't know how to get to...

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lucky number 7

It was a very long and difficult journey for my husband and I to have a child. So long and difficult that I wanted to give up, and at times I even prayed for death. I remember one time after losing one of our babies, laying in bed in our dark bedroom, I tried to slow my breathing down while hoping that my heart could just stop and the Lord would let me come home and hold all my babies. But the LORD declares "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," Isaiah 55:8. So I'm still here despite my wishes, and thank you God for having different plans. Because HE sees the entire picture when I can't see through the fog of my own pain and suffering.

I was diagnosed with end stage renal disease (ESRD) in 1992 (8 years old) and needed a kidney transplant in 2000 (age 15). (Thank you, Mom for giving me one of yours and preventing me from going on dialysis.) As a result of the many medical issues that go along with renal failure, I was pretty certain that I could never have children so I told myself and everyone else (including my fiancé) that I didn't want kids--Fake it till you make it.

My husband and I were married on April 18, 2008 and decided in August 2008 to see what would happen if we tried to have a baby. In December 2008, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a cycle. Even after 8 pregnancy tests, Adam was still not convinced I was "prego," and I was panicking because one of my immunusuppressant medications warned about becoming pregnant and even recommended using 2 forms of birth control while taking it. So, I booked an appointment with my nephrologist who changed me to a different med that was safer during pregnancy and also saw my gynecologist who ordered serial hcg levels. Before the second blood sample was drawn, I began to cramp and bleed. The second hcg level confirmed what I already knew, I had miscarried.

I was sad but optimistic that I had even gotten pregnant and so I began tracking my cycle and trying to get pregnant again. I was now on the safer drug and knew the next pregnancy would make it. I knew that many first pregnancies miscarried, but that multiple miscarriages was rare---that's what the books say but try telling that to the women who continue to lose baby after baby after baby.

It took a long time to get pregnant again. Or at least it seemed that way. Month after month, I was devastated when there was no BFP (big fat positive), i.e., a positive pregnancy test. I started wondering if I would ever get pregnant again. Maybe that first one was a fluke and what I had believed all those years was right after all---I couldn't have children.

More to come....

Be careful what you pray for

After six long years and a lot of heartbreak which included six miscarriages, we finally had a baby. She is a true miracle from God. We were told to stop trying, that it was highly unlikely we would have a baby, that if we continued I may die.  Well, we had our miracle and we wanted to try again for another one but the next pregnancy resulted in our 7th miscarriage. This miscarriage seemed harder both physically, mentally, and emotionally. We decided it was time to move on and my husband scheduled his vasectomy---for a second time!

We prayed and struggled with whether to give it one more shot before the vasectomy.  In the meantime,  Adam's brother and wife had a beautiful baby boy. The next day, prior to going to meet the new family member, my husband said he had a desire to try for a son and asked if it was too late. I said I thought so but we could try.  He had asked some of his friends to pray for us and we prayed specifically for what we wanted in our son. We also requested that if it was not meant for us to have another baby through me that I would not get pregnant.  

My husband's procedure was scheduled for Monday. Four days before this, in the early hours of the morning, our daughter started running fever and in the chaos of running to a screaming sick baby, trying to find the themometer, and get a bottle ready, I tripped over the cat. Zoe and I both had doctors appoints later that day and the results were hand-foot-mouth for her and broken metatarsal for me. As a result, the vasectomy was cancelled for a 2nd time.

Zoe is over HFM disease and I can walk with an orthopedic boot. We will reschedule the vasectomy for early next year, but until then, we'll be praying for a healthy pregnancy and healthy son with his Daddy's dark hair and eyes.

Update: We are almost 15 weeks pregnant with a GIRL! We are over the moon and everything is looking great. I knew it was a girl, but Adam said, "I prayed for a boy." And God laughed. Preteen/Teen years are going to be FUN---say a prayer for his sanity.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever---Thoughtful and Affordable!

I have been handed a binder and am not sure what to expect. My husband is grinning from ear to ear.

I am already smiling!

And now I'm smiling and crying with joy.

Made me laugh so hard!

I do love massages and facials and pedicures!

It just worked out that she pointed

He didn't know the pic was blurry until he got home so he improvised.

Yes, that is a pen she is holding.

Daddy interpreted Zoe's writing.

Seriously...how adorable!

Yep, we have a very advanced 5 month old.

Hehe. Actually reaching for the phone.

FYI: Zoe was waking up from nap when this was snapped.

Daddy...I mean Zoe was too excited to wait until Mother's Day so I got it the Friday night before. I wouldn't be able to wait to give such an awesome gift either.

There was no way I could top this gift. So, for his first Father's Day so I decided not to try. Instead, Zoe and Mommy had the stomach bug and Daddy had to take care of us and his special dinner was crackers and Gatorade. He's a great husband and Dad!

19 year anniversary

19 years!

As a child,  it was normal for me to take about 10 medications a day. I was on a strict diet....no pizza or french fries.  There were times I wanted to give up.... literally,  10 years old and wanting to die. But many prayed for me.

 It wasn't all bad. I got to miss school for a road trip every 3 months.  Mom and I would head out early,  usually I had a new book in hand for the ride.  We'd go to our appointment at Arkansas Children's hospital where if I was really still when they took my blood,  I got a coupon for a free personal pan pizza from pizza hut. Afterwards,  we'd almost always go to Bennigan's. 

We always knew that kidney transplant was going to happen.  Our goal was to skip dialysis.  The day of that appointment was like any other until the doctor said,"it's time for a transplant." A heaviness settled on me. I was terrified. I had been so young when I was diagnosed with Esrd so it had always been my life.  But at 15 years old,  I knew my life was going to change.  

The morning of the transplant, I was beyond nervous but was holding it together until they took my mom away.  We couldn't do this! What if something happened to her? Let's just do dialysis. 

Everything went well.  There's new struggles.  The average living donor kidney lasts 15 to 20 years. I'm at 19. ...but I plan to be the longest ever transplant....I mean my kidney is from the strongest woman I know.  I joke that I asked Adam MacDaniels what blood type he is before I married him.  Yep, we're the same.  

No one knows how long they have.  It's just more real for our family.  Life is fragile and you only get one.