from an old blog that i don't know how to get to...

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lucky number 7

It was a very long and difficult journey for my husband and I to have a child. So long and difficult that I wanted to give up, and at times I even prayed for death. I remember one time after losing one of our babies, laying in bed in our dark bedroom, I tried to slow my breathing down while hoping that my heart could just stop and the Lord would let me come home and hold all my babies. But the LORD declares "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," Isaiah 55:8. So I'm still here despite my wishes, and thank you God for having different plans. Because HE sees the entire picture when I can't see through the fog of my own pain and suffering.

I was diagnosed with end stage renal disease (ESRD) in 1992 (8 years old) and needed a kidney transplant in 2000 (age 15). (Thank you, Mom for giving me one of yours and preventing me from going on dialysis.) As a result of the many medical issues that go along with renal failure, I was pretty certain that I could never have children so I told myself and everyone else (including my fiancé) that I didn't want kids--Fake it till you make it.

My husband and I were married on April 18, 2008 and decided in August 2008 to see what would happen if we tried to have a baby. In December 2008, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a cycle. Even after 8 pregnancy tests, Adam was still not convinced I was "prego," and I was panicking because one of my immunusuppressant medications warned about becoming pregnant and even recommended using 2 forms of birth control while taking it. So, I booked an appointment with my nephrologist who changed me to a different med that was safer during pregnancy and also saw my gynecologist who ordered serial hcg levels. Before the second blood sample was drawn, I began to cramp and bleed. The second hcg level confirmed what I already knew, I had miscarried.

I was sad but optimistic that I had even gotten pregnant and so I began tracking my cycle and trying to get pregnant again. I was now on the safer drug and knew the next pregnancy would make it. I knew that many first pregnancies miscarried, but that multiple miscarriages was rare---that's what the books say but try telling that to the women who continue to lose baby after baby after baby.

It took a long time to get pregnant again. Or at least it seemed that way. Month after month, I was devastated when there was no BFP (big fat positive), i.e., a positive pregnancy test. I started wondering if I would ever get pregnant again. Maybe that first one was a fluke and what I had believed all those years was right after all---I couldn't have children.

More to come....

Be careful what you pray for

After six long years and a lot of heartbreak which included six miscarriages, we finally had a baby. She is a true miracle from God. We were told to stop trying, that it was highly unlikely we would have a baby, that if we continued I may die.  Well, we had our miracle and we wanted to try again for another one but the next pregnancy resulted in our 7th miscarriage. This miscarriage seemed harder both physically, mentally, and emotionally. We decided it was time to move on and my husband scheduled his vasectomy---for a second time!

We prayed and struggled with whether to give it one more shot before the vasectomy.  In the meantime,  Adam's brother and wife had a beautiful baby boy. The next day, prior to going to meet the new family member, my husband said he had a desire to try for a son and asked if it was too late. I said I thought so but we could try.  He had asked some of his friends to pray for us and we prayed specifically for what we wanted in our son. We also requested that if it was not meant for us to have another baby through me that I would not get pregnant.  

My husband's procedure was scheduled for Monday. Four days before this, in the early hours of the morning, our daughter started running fever and in the chaos of running to a screaming sick baby, trying to find the themometer, and get a bottle ready, I tripped over the cat. Zoe and I both had doctors appoints later that day and the results were hand-foot-mouth for her and broken metatarsal for me. As a result, the vasectomy was cancelled for a 2nd time.

Zoe is over HFM disease and I can walk with an orthopedic boot. We will reschedule the vasectomy for early next year, but until then, we'll be praying for a healthy pregnancy and healthy son with his Daddy's dark hair and eyes.

Update: We are almost 15 weeks pregnant with a GIRL! We are over the moon and everything is looking great. I knew it was a girl, but Adam said, "I prayed for a boy." And God laughed. Preteen/Teen years are going to be FUN---say a prayer for his sanity.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever---Thoughtful and Affordable!

I have been handed a binder and am not sure what to expect. My husband is grinning from ear to ear.

I am already smiling!

And now I'm smiling and crying with joy.

Made me laugh so hard!

I do love massages and facials and pedicures!

It just worked out that she pointed

He didn't know the pic was blurry until he got home so he improvised.

Yes, that is a pen she is holding.

Daddy interpreted Zoe's writing.

Seriously...how adorable!

Yep, we have a very advanced 5 month old.

Hehe. Actually reaching for the phone.

FYI: Zoe was waking up from nap when this was snapped.

Daddy...I mean Zoe was too excited to wait until Mother's Day so I got it the Friday night before. I wouldn't be able to wait to give such an awesome gift either.

There was no way I could top this gift. So, for his first Father's Day so I decided not to try. Instead, Zoe and Mommy had the stomach bug and Daddy had to take care of us and his special dinner was crackers and Gatorade. He's a great husband and Dad!